@madd_sarah

I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done

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@BoogTweets

Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

@Thedudish

I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.

@FSUSteve

Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.

@AnniemuMary

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left