The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
War & Peace
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
mariah carrie