Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase