I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.