@CM2BTTHD

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

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@TheDarkSideCEO

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

@TweetPotato314

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

@briangaar

When I die, my last thought will probably be “Man that falcon looks pissed.”

@Shade510

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

@DrDogMD

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

@Marlebean

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

@thesqueezysloth

Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?

@theshantilly

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.