@CM2BTTHD: I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: daddy, I don't want to go to bed, it's still light outside ME: [explains daylight savings time] 7: that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
@hunz74: My son has the worst altitude ever. He's defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.
@AshleyFrankly: Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
@thesulk: "I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losin' control." Buddy, you got stomach flu.