@CM2BTTHD

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

You Might Also Like

@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

@writerPT

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

@CatFoodBreath

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

@Dutch_50

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

@FloodyHippie

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

@FrazzleMyGimp

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.