I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.