I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.


Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure


When I die, my last thought will probably be “Man that falcon looks pissed.”


Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.



CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh


My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”


I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.


Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.


Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.