I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
good morning
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues