I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!