I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
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12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.