I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
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Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
im 7 sauces long
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer