Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

🤣

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

Wake me when AI does housework

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.