Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”