Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

I’m literally crying

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.