Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

“The Perfect Relationship”

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!