I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Did I do this right
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I’ve been learning to cook.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.