Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.