Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

😅😅😅

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”