I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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I put the h in mysterious.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.