I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE