I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
just pretend nothing happened
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
#StillHurts
