Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.