I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Optional boss fight.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood