I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Good boy 😂😂
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.