I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Man these end times are taking forever
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”