Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.