I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
