Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Still cracks me up

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.