I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
New Tinder profile.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
So true for me
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.