I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
The “baby” on the left….
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.