Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

This makes total sense…

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

this is 10/10 content no notes

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.