Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”