Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom