I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
😂😂
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
🙁
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
*exercises sarcastically*
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.