I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Fruity
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless