Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is