I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me trying to look natural in photos
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.