I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.