I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.