Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FTTCtgOXoAEzw8n.mp4

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

A roof is a house hat.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

😂

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.