Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Just how popey was the pope today?

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

you have three unread messages

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.