I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.