I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche