Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.