I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.