I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
You Might Also Like
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
dictator is short for richard potato
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
always be there
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*