I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
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Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Did…did a minotaur write this
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.