Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.