Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

More like Kate Missington.

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.