Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.