I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Smile they said.
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
If a snake ate a cake
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New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
The best plant holders?
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
So the ex texted me
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Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.