Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

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