I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
It kinda feels like this rn
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies