Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Siri, fight Alexa.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

😊🦆

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”