Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

August 8

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

He’s dead

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?