I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
This is my favorite one of these!
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed