I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.