I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
You Might Also Like
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.