I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Everyone’s family
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*