I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
was Jim off killing horses or…
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.