Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.