@Mindless4Miles

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

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@PFitzpa

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

@KylePlantEmoji

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

@julezmac

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

@noog

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

@kind_ofa_bitch

In the Uk, 50 shades of Gray, isn’t a sexy book, it’s the weather report.

@badAzz_mom

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

@ozzyunc

“I want to get drunk in public.”
“Me too but on pancake batter.”
“If only there was a way to solve both problems.”
-The Origin of Eggnog