Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]