I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks


ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁


I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.


Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.


I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.


ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES


[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex


Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.


[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.