I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Phonetics
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.