I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”