I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Managing expectations
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The devil.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats