I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
You Might Also Like
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
CRYING
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
💁🏻♂️
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
😂😂
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Oh my God.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine