I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
concern
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this