I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.