Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

Sounds like a bargain

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood