I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run