I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start