I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.