Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years